i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
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The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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