I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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