There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
