no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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