I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
