I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
