I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
