We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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