i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
