we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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