so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
