I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool