boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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