WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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