According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
