They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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