so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
