we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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