I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
