I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
