so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
