please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
