Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
