i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.