I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
