I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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