very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
