Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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