I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
