are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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