Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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