That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
