I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
