Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
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He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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