You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
