So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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