Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
