I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
