so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
