My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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