Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
