I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
