I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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