He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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