we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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