I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
As shirtless as possible
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
its liver damage thursday
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
