i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
