I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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