I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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