I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
