Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
