she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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